


All the Things He Said

by Can I STAY (Cloye)



Category: Stray Kids (Band)
Genre: Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Alternate Universe - College/University, Anxiety, Attempted Rape/Non-Con, Attempted Sexual Assault, Han Jisung | Han is Whipped, Han Jisung | Han is a Mess, Han Jisung | Han-centric, Han is a poet, Han's ex is a bitch, I AM SO SORRY HAN, Lee Minho | Lee Know Is Bad at Feelings, Lee Minho | Lee Know is a Mess, M/M, Mentions of Pedophilia, Panic Attacks, Past Cheating, Past Rape/Non-con, Past Relationship(s), Slow Burn, based on real life
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-02-05
Updated: 2021-03-16
Packaged: 2021-03-16 20:47:51
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 7,679
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29213661
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Cloye/pseuds/Can%20I%20STAY
Summary: Nothing was going well in his life at that moment. College was a mess, his life was a mess, his family was a mess, and he was a mess himself. He just wished for a second things could be better, but they never did. He needed to change, he wanted to change, why couldn't he change? Why was he stuck? Why, why ,why?! All these questions in his head while he should be paying attention to his class of Introduction to Technology Chemistry. It would be easier if he weren’t the only one in class...________________________A story about Han's life in college about how he meets all the members and how he falls in love with Lee Know.
Relationships: Bang Chan/Yang Jeongin | I.N, Han Jisung | Han/Lee Minho | Lee Know, Han Jisung | Han/Original Character(s), Hwang Hyunjin/Kim Seungmin, Lee Felix/Seo Changbin
Comments: 2
Kudos: 8





	1. Same thing, different day

**Author's Note:**

> Hi guys! I know this first chapter is slow paced but I promised it will start going faster after I introduce the characters. This chapter and the focuse more on Han and his life before he meets the rest of Stray Kids also let me say already I am sorry by how much I'll take on introducing the romance but oh boy if this isn't a drama from the beginning to the end. Also English isn't my first language and tho I am good at it, I am sorry for any mistakes that may appear. I'll correct them the moment I see them.

Jisung couldn’t sleep at night. He was nervous and his anxiety was killing him. This happened every year since he remembers, and he hates it. He hates it because it's his first day going to the new course in college and he is already a month late. One full month because the college just couldn't tell him if he could change from Graphic Design to Technology Chemistry earlier.

He sighed into the peaceful silence of his crumpled bedroom that he shared with his younger brother. He got up and prepared himself for his classes, carefully not to wake his younger brother up. The last thing he needed was a grumpy teenager complaining at him. After getting dressed in a black hoodie and a pair of jeans, he went on with his daily routine. Brushing his teeth, fixing his hair, putting his lip jelly and drinking a cup of coffee with milk, he called his father to give him a ride to college. The ride was only 15 minutes and it was filled with him and his dad making small talk about the current news or the programs on the radio. After he was dropped, he walked into the chemistry department only to find it empty of students or any activity.

 _Where the hell are the people here? Did I get late or something?_ Checking his phone for the time proved him only that no he wasn't late he was half an hour earlier than his class but that only confused the boy more.

He went to the Physics classroom and waited for someone. By the time the class started three foreigner girls appeared and the teacher. After Jisung introduced himself to the class, the teacher moved on with the class. He tried to follow what the teacher was explaining but he couldn't understand anything.

 _Being a month late is terrible huh?_ he was scribbling on his notebook as the words formed on his mind. He couldn't understand why these moments were the moments where his mind would decide to go full creative mode, but he secretly loves it. He loves how easy it was for him to organize the words in a beautiful way to express how he felt. On a good day he could even write the lyrics for a song in 15 minutes. After writing for what it felt a minute, he started reading out what he had written.

_**Body cries to mind** _ **_  
We're running out of time  
Mind dragging body along  
Misery misery song_ **

_**Wanting to rest unrested** _ **_  
Out of time itself interested  
To be able to peacefully sleep  
To fall to dreams lying so deep_ **

_**Begging to time for inner peace** _ **_  
Having lost its own little piece  
For a boy once so fierce  
His heart so easy to pierce_ **

He looked at it once more and felt satisfied. It wasn't his best, but it felt better than nothing. He looked at his wrist and he still had an hour to go through the class, so he started making small doodles on his notebook and taking notes when he felt it was relevant. His head was buzzing with thoughts and he felt full of anxiety. He already had a year in college and had decided to change courses not only because he felt more attracted to Chemistry but also because of the shit show last year was for him. He remembered the laughs, the screams, his name spilling out of everyone's mouth and he didn't feel like he did anything to deserve that. Not to that girl. He had been there for her, liked her for who she was and tried to be respectful to their so called _"relationship"_ they had but it all when to hell the moment the others decided to. He didn't even have a choice. He just went through it and got depressed again. His anxiety came back again. When he had finally been through what he considered his worst, he was pulled down again. He couldn't even go near the college residences without feeling extreme anxiety and that made him feel so pathetic. How did he allow himself to become like that? It felt even worse than he was before.

Forcing his thoughts to stop before they went on a rampage, he looked at the clock again. Class was almost done. He felt almost too happy that it was over.

After the class ended, he got out of the classroom to go outside and he texted his boyfriend. He wasn't expecting an answer because he knew Toby being a navy cadet meant he wasn't able to have his phone with him except during the nighttime and on Wednesday’s afternoons. Tho their relationship was only 3 months old he wanted to give his best for it. It was his second relationship with anyone, so he wanted to try it since his boyfriend looked like a nice person who wasn't there for his body nor did he look obsessed with him so he was happy. Jisung was done with people either hating him because he breathes or people adoring him like he is some kind of god. Talking about him being hated for breathing, he noticed a group of people pointing at him in the distance. He should be used to it, after all he knew how things were still about him from last year...

 _They can't even be discreet about talking about me... Why the hell did I have to like that girl?_ he thought while walking to the school cafeteria to get something to eat.

He had his headphones shoved up his ears with the music as loud as he could just so he could ignore everyone and everything around him. After paying for a sandwich and a juice, he sat on the outside by the sun. He scrolled through his Instagram finding barely anything of interest except for food posts. When he finished his food, he went back to the Chemistry block and waited for it to be time for his class while sitting on one of the benches by the entrance. He felt someone tap his shoulder and looked around to see a girl trying to talk to him. He took out his headphones confused tho the girl looked familiar.

"Hi! You were in the Physics class with me, earlier weren't you? I am Diana. Nice to meet you!" in this moment Jisung noticed the heavy accent she had. He recognized the accent from somewhere, but he couldn't pinpoint exactly where or who and for sure the girl wasn't from there.

"Oh... hum, hi I'm Han. Han Jisung... huh... nice to meet you too?" _For real Han Jisung couldn't you embarrass yourself more in front of another person?!_ "Sorry, I am not good with, you know, meeting new people and all that jazz."

The girl laughed a little and smiled at him.

"Don't worry about it it's okay I get it. I just wasn't expecting more people coming to our small course, so it was a nice surprise."

"Oh okay. Sorry if I sound rude by asking this but where are you from? 'Cuz you know the accent and stuff..."

"It's okay to ask about that don't worry. I am from Brazil." she said that with a smile and Han felt himself relax a little.

He had met Brazilian people before and one of his best friends was an exchange student that had been there last year from Brazil. So that helped him calm down a little his anxiety even if his thoughts were still screaming at him things, he'd rather ignore to be able to give attention to the person in front of him. The two of them kept talking till it was time for his other classes to start. The girl wasn’t with him on this one, so he was once again going straight into the unknown and tho he loved the song he did not feel like going to what he didn’t know at all.

He looked at his schedule to be sure that he was on the right classroom and he wasn’t. He wasn’t even supposed to be on the Chemistry block, he should’ve been on the opposite side of the campus on the Mathematics block. He sighed and started running towards the right classroom. When he got there, people were still entering the classroom, so he felt a tiny bit of relief in his heart. There were a lot of people in that class, if he had to guess he’d say there were about 50 people there, so he wondered if they were from another course. That question was answered the moment the teacher started taking the attendance. Most of the students were from Informatics Engineering and another part were from Electrotechnics Engineering. Luckily even with the classroom full he was able to sit in the back kind of isolated from the people he didn’t know.

After he finished solving some exercises the teacher asked to solve, he noticed his notifications go off with a message from a person named Hyunjin. _Wait, who the hell is Hyunjin?_ To say that he was confused was an understatement, after all he didn't even remember the guy. As he went to check the texts between them, he remembered who he was. Hyunjin was one of the guys that Toby had present him when he went to watch one of the DnD sessions they did. Hyunjin looked like a nice person to him and the last text he sent him before today's was asking if he was coming to their house and if he wanted to spend time with him (to which Jisung never replied). Currently Hyunjin was asking him if he had spare time after his classes so they could go to a walk after dinner. After a second of thought he answered.

You:

Sure, why not :)

Hyunjin:

Oh, okay thanks :D  
Can we meet by 8pm in PicNic?

You:

Yeah sure! I'll meet you there then!

He started feeling anxious again. Hyunjin didn't seem like a bad person and he knew who he was from last year so there's nothing to be anxious about right?


	2. The Beginning of Something New

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "He started feeling anxious again. Hyunjin didn't seem like a bad person and he knew who he was from last year so there's nothing to about right?
> 
> To say he was anxious was an understatement. He felt on the verge of panicking. A feeling he dreaded on his insides." 
> 
> His meeting with Hyunjin was sure to be something he did not expect.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Fair warning: THIS CHAPTER IS A MESS I AM SORRY! I accidentally wrote a lot of backstory that was going away from the main plot for this chapter. It's about 8 am here and I haven't slept yet so I hope you enjoy.

To say he was anxious was an understatement. He felt on the verge of panicking. A feeling he dreaded on his insides.

_Breathe in…_

_Hold._

_Breathe out…_

_I can’t panic in a room full of people I don’t even know. I don’t need to make people talk even more. I need to calm down._

_Breathe in…_

_Hold._

_Breathe out…_

Though those around couldn’t notice his inner struggle, he felt as if all eyes were on him. He knew that maybe one or two noticed but he felt like he was being observed. All eyes set on him and that wasn’t helping on the chant going in his mind. He felt like a mess. He needed to get distracted, so he tried to get back on track with the class.

The teacher was now correcting the exercises on the board so he tried as hard as he could to focus on him writing. Focus on his voice. Eventually the panic subsided and all he had was feeling lightheaded mixed with a slight headache. He felt like he hated himself for being affected so easily like this.

_I am just meeting ONE PERSON. IT AIN’T THE END OF THE FUCKING WORLD!_

He wanted to talk with someone.

 _Maybe I’ll send a message to Mara. I mean I don’t even know if she messaged me today._ He quickly took his phone out and checked the messaging app. _Oh she did.  
  
_

Mara was his ex. His first girlfriend. One person he would be eternally grateful to. It was thanks to her and his grandma that he even decided to risk going to college even though his parents never thought he’d be able to make it. Obviously, he proved them wrong there. Though she was a great person their romantic relationship wasn’t all sunshine and rainbows. The breakup was a mess. He still loved Mara when they broke up, but he just couldn’t bear the weight of the silver band on his finger. They remained friends after.

He started typing his answer to her.

He was recently trying to help her up with a boy named Hyeon even though he was far away from his hometown. He knew him from his 7th grade. Though Mara still remembered when he told Jisung he’d be better of with another girl, that he was being a waste by being with a girl like that. So what? Jisung didn’t care for how her body was. Yes, she was a bit overweight, but he would never force the girl to change if she didn’t want to. It’s her body her choice and he’d keep his word to that.

That’s why he thought it was strange when Hyeon got interested in her. But they were both trying to have something there, so he’d just tease a little though he felt his mind playing tricks at him sometimes. He knew he didn’t love her like before but still.

He noticed himself overthinking.

_These are just useless thoughts. I know I don’t love Mara anymore. I just miss having someone close to me, right? I am just being a needy ass person right now. I have Toby and I love Toby and no one else. I am not jealous._

He attempted to once again focus on the remaining of his class and as soon as the class was dismissed, he sprinted out of the block. His mind was going at full speed and he needed to calm down before the afternoon class. He ran to the cafeteria hoping that it wasn’t already full of people and for once luck was on his side. The line was short, and the cafeteria wasn’t full so he could buy something fast and get out before hungry people flooded the place.

As soon as he got to the cashier, he asked for the student’s menu which was just a plain cheeseburger with some fries and a glass of juice. After heading out he went to sit near the library to eat and as soon as he finished, he went inside.

Usually, the library was calm with the only exception being the corner that was usually filled with the gamers cursing at each other. He sat in a corner near the window, took his laptop out of his backpack, set it on the table with the mouse and charger and plugged the headphones there. He opened the software he needed and pulled out the notebook he had with the lyrics on.

He had been stuck in this song for a while, but he knew he was really close to something he’d like but that just wasn’t it yet. He barely had a beat. He only had bits and pieces of the lyrics. He felt like he hit a slump.

_Wait… Slump… That actually doesn’t sound bad for the lyrics I have._

He kept writing while thinking of all he felt lately. His doubts about himself, that he couldn’t stop thinking, the pain he felt.

**_So many thoughts are inside of my head  
I'm always drying these tears on my face  
How could I ever get used to the fact that  
The songs and the lyrics, they all sound the same_ **

But people kept telling him he was strong for getting so far. But Jisung didn’t feel strong. He didn’t feel proudful of what he achieved. But he wanted to.

**_"Come on, I know you can do it"  
I have to repeat it again and again, yeah  
I wanna look in the mirror  
Telling myself that I did a good job, ayy_ **

He knew he had to be stronger. He had to show to the world who he truly was despite the rumors and whispers. So why did he feel so insecure?

_What do they want from me?_

**_Everyone gonna be watching  
I gotta show 'em all of me  
But I've been insecure lately  
'Cause I don't know what they want from me, ayy_ **

_Will I really be able to continue moving forward as if this was nothing?_

**_Feeling so nervous, I wanna go forward  
But everyone else overtaking me  
Blocking my vision, my body is shaking  
I don't know if I can keep up, yeah, yeah_ **

He looked at his notebook. He finally had a full verse for the song but there was still much missing. He liked it. It was his raw feelings and he really needed to vent them out one way or another. He looked at the clocked and saw it was 10 minutes past his next class. He had the option to go there late, have the whole class staring at him and silently judging him or he could just stay in the library attempting to work on his lyrics a bit more and then sees if he could beg the music department to” pleaaaaaaase _let me use the studio to record my things”._

After a while he got bored. He was stuck again so he just decided to go back home. He was tired of being in there. He felt drained and he didn’t know if it were because he didn’t sleep the night before or if it were because of the event that would happen in the evening. He threw his things messily on his backpack, plugged his headphones to his phone and started listening to his playlist to depress. He stopped by the coffee machine to get an americano and then started the 40-minute walk back to his parent’s house.

His parents had moved the last year to the same city as his college a few months after he started living in the college dorms. It had been a mess and Jisung was still mad at them when he moved back near the end of the year. They had crossed the line on how much more he could take, and he only moved back to be with them because his anxiety was killing him in the dorms after the shit with the girl happened.

It had been 4 months since then, so things had calmed a little, but he still didn’t feel completely well there. He felt like he had no place to go. Like he was trapped again. He had chosen that college because he thought it would be far away enough, but he forgot his parents had planned to move to this city because most of his family from his father side lived there. And that wasn’t even his first nor second nor third choice.

It was his fourth and he was admitted in three. Out of those three, one was the one he enrolled in, other was in his hometown and the last was near the country border in the north. He didn’t want to go that far from home because he wanted to have easy transportation to see Mara since they were still dating.

He sighed into the air and took his phone out. He knew he and Hyunjin were mutual on Instagram, so he decided to check his profile. The first things he noticed was that Hyunjin was gorgeous, he had a dog and loved watching dramas (at least from the rant he read on his story about it). It intrigued him what could a person like Hyunjin want with a loser like himself. It didn’t seem like they had much in common besides both owning pets and the fact that Jisung would sometimes watch a drama or two though he preferred anime. The more he thought about it the more anxiety he felt so he tried to shake the thoughts out of his mind and focus on the music playing through his ears.

As he got close to the tiny house his family lived, he pulled the keys out of his pocket and opened the door.

“I’m home.” he didn’t expect anyone to answer. Usually by this time his mother would be out on a walk or buying groceries in the market down the street.

“Oh, you’re already back Jiji? Isn’t it soon? Your father told me you would only get out in an hour.” he looked forward after taking of his shoes and saw his mother in the kitchen door by the end of the hallway. They had recently found out that she was pregnant. That happened after she got an injury on the sciatic nerve due to her overworking. She had been home since then and since the doctors found out it wasn’t just something to due with the sciatic nerve, but they didn’t know what the hell it was. It was nerve wrecking sometimes.

“Yeah, mom I am back already. I wasn’t feeling too good.” he started heading towards his shared bedroom, unpacking his stuff from the backpack.

“You sure you are alright love? Did you eat anything yet?” he knew his mother was trying lately to get them to bond again but it wasn’t being easy for him. It felt awkward sometimes, but he still cared about her a lot.

“Don’t worry about me. You should be resting mom. You are getting old and I need to make sure you don’t break your back before the family baby is an adult.” he heard his mother laugh at his words.

“Oh, my child, I may be getting old, but it isn’t a bit of walking around that’s going to kill me.” he nodded, walking to the kitchen to see what his mother was making.

It smelled sweet and Jisung loved when it smelled sweet. Though his mother was allergic to both gluten and lactose (yet no one else on his family was) she improvised a lot of recipes.

“What are you cooking? Can I help?” he tried to figure out what it was and from the ingredients it was a cake that would take chocolate.

“Of course, you can help Jiji, I appreciate it. I am gonna bake a carrot cake. Your brother has been torturing me all week complaining he wanted to eat some kind of cake, so I’ve decided to try to make it lactose and gluten free. I mean, I also deserve to eat something sweet sometimes.”

Jisung took an apron from the hooks that were stuck behind the door and started helping his mother. Cooking helped him relax and this small moment with his mother somehow felt like something he hadn’t have in a long time.

After a few hours, the cakes were cooled and decorated. In the meantime, his brother was back home, and his dad had passed through the house to steal a slice of cake before he went back to work in the restaurant.

He was ready soon after getting dinner and he then told his mother that he was going to go to a coffee shop with someone he knew. She was okay with it, reminding the boy to not get home late since he had classes in the morning.

He looked at his phone to check the time when Hyunjin sent him a message.

**_ 7:24pm _ **

Hyunjin:

Hey! Want me to pick you up?  
I have a car and Toby told me you live near him  
So I kinda know where it is  
  


Jisung stared at his phone for a second. He felt nervous when getting into other people’s cars because he was afraid of how they’d drive. He got easily car sick as well. On the other hand, he didn’t need to walk his lazy ass half an hour to the coffee shop. Upon weighing the pros and cons of the situation, he decided to be lazy and take the offer.

_I mean what’s the worse that can happen? He kidnaps me to somewhere and kills me? I do think I could kick his ass in a fight though._

You:

yEAH SURE  
Sry caps  
Just continue down his street till you get to the intersection  
Then turn a right then turn the first left  
And I live in the beginning of that street

Hyunjin:

Huh okay I’ll try to find that out

You:

I can meet you in the intersection if you wanna

Hyunjin:

Yeah, I think that would be better  
Meet you in 15 then?

  
You:

Yup, sounds good.

With this, he put his phone in his jacket pockets. He checked for his wallet, power bank, keys and cable. He was visibly shaking. He was nervous like hell. He almost felt as if he’d break if someone touched him.

_This is it. I am finally meeting him properly._

He took a deep breath and went to tell his mother that he was leaving. He walked out of his house and got to the intersection in less then a minute. His heart was hammering on his chest. And he waited. He felt like he was waiting for an hour when it had been just a few minutes since he had gotten there. A familiar car stopped in front of him and rolled down the window of the shotgun seat.

“Hey, you wanna come in?” Hyunjin smiled at him as he said this. Jisung blushed lightly and got into the car. After putting the seatbelt, he turned to Hyunjin dead serious and said:

“So, you are the guy who has the pretty blue car.” Hyunjin smiled at this and Han smiled a little as well. It didn’t feel awkward plus Hyunjin drove calmly, so he felt pretty good there.

“Oh, so you know my car?”

“I mean, you have the only bright blue one in the entire city, so I think it’s noticeable. It’s kinda hard to miss don’t you think?”

“Actually, there’s one more like this in the city. It’s from a guy that works at the extra fancy hotel by the river. The one in front of the park.”

“The Morning Star?”

“Yup, that one. By the way do you mind if we take a walk through the park? I’m still kinda full and we could talk a little.”

“Fine by me. Why did you ask me to hang out with you though?” Jisung had been wanting the answer for this question for hours. It was almost eating him alive.

“Relax. I already knew you because you are Toby’s boyfriend. You didn’t seem like a bad person at first even though the first time I met you, you pucked in my house’s bathroom from being extremely drunk.”

“Wait, let me stop you there. I was drunk sure, but I know I didn’t puke in your bathroom.”

“Then what the hell was the commotion that happened there?”

“I almost fell asleep while sitting on the toiled nothing much.” Hyunjin laughed a little at those words making Jisung feel a bit more comfortable.

As they got near to their destination, Hyunjin got into the hotel parking and started parking the car, the two of them not even stopping the conversation.

“Just that?”

“Yup, just that.”

“You swear there was no pucking on my bathroom?”

“Yes, Hyunjin I swear upon my grandpas grave I did not throw up in there. Can we stop talking about this? It was embarrassing to me you know?” with this Jisung got out of the car, attempting not to laugh at the little he recollected from the night.

“I mean what’s embarrassing about going to watch to one of the sessions of drunks and dragons and getting shitfaced on the first day?”

“To be fair, I did ask Toby before I started drinking to give me as many drinks that night as he could until I couldn’t remember anything.”

Hyunjin seemed to think for a bit as they walked into the park.

“So that was when **that** happened wasn’t it?” his voice didn't sound like before. Jisung looked at Hyunjin’s face. His face showed that he was worried about the answer he would get.

“I mean everyone in the goddamn college already knows what happened by that time but yes that was when it happened." he let out a bitter laugh "She dumped me per say and I got blamed to the hell and back. Then the rumors started. We weren't even dating you know. We were just kinda going out without the label. Then I was thrown away, used, manipulated and… And yeah… Sorry. I am having an outburst rant here.” Hyunjin had listened to every word he said. He seemed to be thinking of something.

Jisung could feel his throat burning eager to tell his pain to someone yet no words came out of his mouth. He was being so loud a few seconds ago, but he knew no one was at the park at that hour. The sun had set a few minutes ago.

After a few seconds of silence between the two, Hyunjin pointed to a bench by the river and both the boys sat there. Hyunjin was the first to speak out.

“It was Lilith that started the rumors between you and Jennie, right?” Hyunjin looked straight into Jisung’s eyes. Jisung looked at him surprised to say the least.

“How did you know?”

“Would you believe if I said I have dated Lilith?”

“YOU WHAT?!” he expected anything but that. Toby had told him that Hyunjin was gay at some point.

“We did for 2 months and then we broke up. She kept demanding me to have sex with her.” the moment Jisung heard those words come out of the other boy’s mouth he stiffened. He decided to hear all Hyunjin had to say first before saying anything else. “It has way more to the story, and I’ll have to go a bit back in time for you to be able to understand.”

“Go ahead, I want to listen.”

_This is going to be one hell of a story; I can tell…_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have a whole chapter already written for the story of Mara and Jisung and OH BOY if their past have a LOT OF SHIT. Jisung's past ain't a pretty one and still I feel proud of myself for being able to write it.  
> I want to make Jisung an imperfect character. I want him to be a real person that makes mistakes and tries to learn from them even if he fails to sometimes.  
> I'll also be introducing some dynamics to this universe soon like the Academic traditions in my country which will be here cuz I think they will help you understand somethings from how Jisung met Toby and how he'll meet Minho for the first time (it's sooner than you expect).


	3. Whoever said it was easy lied. pt1

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "He felt his head starting to ache. His eyes felt like they were burning. His throat felt sore, and he just got up a little and screamed at the emptiness in front of him. He turned around and slid down the wall till he was sitting on the floor.  
> He looked up and started laughing. It wasn’t cheerful like usual, it felt bitter on his tongue."
> 
> "And he kept laughing till it died down.  
> It was quiet again. So, he got up, leaving part of himself behind."
> 
> From how he went there to how everything happened till the present, Hyunjin tells Jisung how everything happened.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for taking so long but I started classes at College recently again and between that and everything happening in my life I didn't find the time nor the inspiration to write this in a way I was satisfied. Also sorry but you guys ain't meeting any SKZ member here but I am kinda glad you don't and you'll get what I mean by the end.  
> Hope you like it <3

_The first thing the boy felt was somehow… relief. It was his first day far away from home. Far away from the huge city he lived in, this city was smaller, somehow comfy even. He didn’t like the course he was in much; he’d rather have Photography or Interior Design, but he knew his parents would never allow him to even suggest such idea. So, Informatics Engineering it was._

_The first few days were just adaptation. Figuring out which way was the best to drive to college, meeting some new faces around and somehow participating in what could be even considered a “ritual” in the colleges around the country. When they first asked Hyunjin about it, he didn’t hesitate. He wanted to try it. Free booze, free entries on the clubs and all he had to do was getting dirty, doing some “ridicule” things, calling everyone with the college’s suit “Excellent Doctor” while never looking them in the eye, learn the traditions and what they meant. He didn’t mind that last bit much._

_He liked the way the so called “Excellent Doctors” looked like. They were the ones who held the power over the freshmen. They had the duty to teach them all there is to know about the college, it’s traditions and the city. But that wasn’t what attracted Hyunjin to them the most. He liked the way they dressed. It felt somehow empowering. It felt like he belonged in there. Also, he looked straight out of a Harry Potter movie which just made it 1000x better. The academic robes of his college consisted in a full suit with a black cape draping from their shoulders, that cape could also be worn in other ways depending on how long you had been a student. A white shirt with a black cassock, black slacks, black shoes, black hat and of course the black cape._

_According to the story they tell, it was many years ago that a student wanted to buy the college’s academic suit, but he was too poor. So, he did all kinds of works from cleaning sewers, cleaning chimneys to working in the most random places just so he could save for the suit. In the end the boy was able to buy the suit thanks to his hard work but also because his friends helped him with the money, working alongside him._

_And although the story is pretty and has a beautiful meaning about companionship and hard work, in the real world, people aren’t met with such humility. He had noticed right on the beginning while some were friendly, others were arrogant over the little power they had. Though they technically couldn’t force anyone to do their bidding, the freshmen’s first right on the rules book was that they have the right to say no to whatever they don’t agree with, but many didn’t._

_It was somehow fucked up. They would usually use that power to mess around in people’s heads. Sometimes just because they wanted it done for fun and that was what disgusted Hyunjin._

_Hyunjin heard someone calling out for him and a drink being waved near his face. He was in the party of the Photography course in the Koko Club. The whole place felt claustrophobic but with the many drinks he had he didn’t even care anymore if he was being squished amongst all the horny, drunk and sweaty people around. He took his drink and went back to a corner near the freshmen of his course. He had recently become friends of a guy from his course and year called Jun._

**_Damn if Jun is hot._ **

_He knew he was blatantly staring at the boy in front of him. It was obvious and he already had a bit too much to drink but at the time he didn’t care. Besides it’s not like Jun seemed to notice as he had as much drink as Hyunjin did._

_Some 3 rd year had paid for his vodka cola and he was making sure to drink every drop of the sweet poisonous liquid. The worse part for him is that he knew he had to pay attention to how fast he was drinking because it was too easy to drink these in one go. He was tipsy but he still wanted to be able to walk back to his apartment without too much trouble._

_He felt someone tap his shoulder. Someone he recognized from the 1 st_ _year of Photography._

_“Hey, wanna dance with me a bit?”_

_Hyunjin looked at the guy as well as a person can in a room full of sweaty bodies moving around with barely any decent light. The guy looked cute to him. He also seemed familiar. Maybe Hyunjin had seen him somewhere on his social networks. He just smiled and gave the boy an answer._

_“Yeah sure!” as he said this the other boy took his wrist lightly to pull Hyunjin out of his corner and more into the dance floor._

_The two danced for hours and Hyunjin came to know the other boy’s name, Sujoon. The other made him company half the way back to his apartment and all he could think about was the cute boy after they parted. He had given Hyunjin his number. And Hyunjin texted him as soon as he got into his apartment._

_Things moved fast from there on. In a month, they were dating. It was the first time Hyunjin was able to date someone. He knew there’s no way he could ever do something like this in his hometown. His parents are homophobic, and he is known because his father is a politician know in his city. He was too afraid to even hint at something though his sister had known for some time now._

_He truly felt happy. Nothing could go wrong right? He was able to be himself openly for once even if the people from college didn’t believe he was gay. They thought Hyunjin was nothing but a straight playboy and oh how much did Hyunjin laugh every time he heard someone say this._

_Days spent together with the other boy felt so good. It’s not like he wanted to brag but the other just made Hyunjin so happy. He truly wished things would continue to go well between them. There was no drama, no sadness and his course weren’t going too bad (except Math’s, he is terrible at Math’s). But he should know that nothing lasts forever… or in his specific case it was a matter of few months._

_Hyunjin was going down the halls with the guys from his course. He was distracted from them, preferring to look at his messages, reading again the texts from Sujoon. Lately the two of them haven’t been exchanging as many messages as before and weren’t even meeting as much as before but he’d told Hyunjin he was busy with his classes, the works and tests for them and Hyunjin understood since he was going through the same. But lately, the boy had been asking a lot about one of his friends from his class, Simon._

_When he though about it, he got a tiny pull of anxiety inside of him._

**_It’s not like it means anything right? I am just being paranoid. Him asking about Simon a lot must be nothing as well, right? He most probably just wants to be friends with him._ **

_He did overthink sometimes, and he knew that. It was something he was being able to overcome lately but the whole issue was striking a nerve on him and he couldn’t pinpoint why._

**_Maybe I can talk to Sujoon about this? I mean, it’s probably nothing so it’s most probably not worth it. But I do need to have confirmation._ **

_As he was entering the classroom, he quickly typed a text to Sujoon asking him to go to the PicNic coffee shop. He had recently been told about it and wanted to try the crepes from there since they were famous all over town. It would be a cute date, both eating crepes, talking about random things and taking pictures together. But as soon as he finished typing the text, he deleted it._

_He spent time with the boy, and they’d take the train together to go back to their home district since they were from neighboring cities. Two train stops of distance to be precise. But even tho they were seen together many times, Sujoon never liked them publicly displaying they were together. They haven’t gone on public dates and the boy didn’t hold his hand at college nor did they kiss that much but Hyunjin thought the boy maybe was just shy. Maybe he didn’t feel comfortable with displaying their relationship to the world yet and Hyunjin understood that. He didn’t want to leave the other uncomfortable, but his thoughts were being a bit too much for his head._

_He just got into the classroom the moment the teacher arrived and drowned in his thoughts. He would just let it be for now._

_And so, things continued like that for four more months and as time was passing Sujoon got more distant than the day before. They had been invited to go out to the Academic event known has ‘The Suit Dinner’._

_Hyunjin had already passed through all the Academic Traditions also known as Praxis, the freshmen one’s at least. Four months ago, in November, two weeks after he started worrying about the whole deal, he had his ‘baptism’ or as many people called it ‘the end of the praxis for that year’. Which meant no more booze, no more slaking off school and way less partying but still some partying every Wednesday as usual. And today was the first day the freshmen that had been graduated by then end of the baptism to ‘freshknights’ from there till the students day in his college (which is May 3 rd). From the 3rd forward, he could finally wear the suit and call himself a ‘page’._

_He was happy because he felt he’d earned the dignity to wear the black suit, the cape draping from his shoulders magnificently. He looked at himself in the mirror and he really thought the look suited him. It felt as if it was meant to be._

_He received a message on his phone from Sujoon. He didn’t even check the message; he saw from the notifications that he arrived near Hyunjin’s apartment. He grabbed his wallet, apartment keys and phone and ran down the stairs. He was feeling kinda anxious lately and the only reason that came to his head was how their relationship was lately. But once again Hyunjin forced his thought’s down. They hadn’t gotten any more public but the other still kissed Hyunjin the moment he got on the street._

_The two of them walked to the restaurant because Hyunjin didn’t dare grab his car if he was drinking. He valued both his live and his car more than enough to try to do something stupid like driving drunk. The dinner went quite well. As tradition dictated, they put the capes on top of the tables and had their plates on top of it. Hyunjin was smart and knew to be one of the first to lay it on the table to avoid the getting it stained of food and wine._

_After dinner, they went to a party from the Design course in the Koko Club. Hyunjin knew both him and Sujoon were tipsy but that wasn’t an uncommon occurrence in the Wednesday’s parties, he also knew almost everyone from the dinner were like that. Over drinking was a problem no one viewed as a problem tho he knew he’d only let himself go like this because he trusted that Sujoon wasn’t going to leave him hanging._

_Sujoon gave his wallet and phone to Hyunjin so he could safely keep it. It wouldn’t have been the first time Sujoon lost his phone in the mass of people so they knew it would be better like that. A few minutes after getting in the club they separated. Hyunjin didn’t know where Sujoon was but he didn’t think of anything as people from his class came to talk to him, celebrating the fact that they all could finally wear the college suit and the new step they were taking as first years._

_He got drinks with them but as minutes passed by, Hyunjin’s anxiety came back, and it got stronger with time. Almost an hour had passed, and he still didn’t know where Sujoon was._

**_It shouldn’t be so hard to see him. Koko Club ain’t even that big…_ **

_But there was a lot of people there so Hyunjin reconsidered his thought’s, attempting to drown them with his drink. He felt his phone on his pants pocket and fetched it. There was a notification and he soon enough noticed it wasn’t his phone. It was his boyfriend’s. He was shocked at what the text on the screen said._

Simon  💙 :

Babe you coming to meet me after the party <3 ? _1:27am_

_His mouth suddenly felt dry. He knew he shouldn’t pry onto Sujoon’s phone. He didn’t have the right, but that single message threw him off balance. He excused himself to the bathroom and locked himself him there. He was grasping the phone tightly on his hand wondering if he should unlock it or not. If he should read the messages or not. He stared at the currently black screen hoping it would somehow give him the knowledge he needed without feeling like he was invading another person’s phone. Sujoon had told him the lockscreen pin. He knew it by heart. He just had to type it._

_So, when he finally gathered courage… the screen lit up. He quickly typed the pin and went straight to the messages with Simon. The boy didn’t want to see more than he needed. He didn’t want to invade the other’s privacy too much._

_Oh… how he regretted. As he started reading the messages, he felt his heart tearing in two. It was much worse than he thought._

_He was full on being cheated. He saw it started 3 or 4 months ago. And his world was crashing with it. He was right. His instincts didn’t lie. He felt so stupid. How could he have been so stupid. How couldn’t he see this coming. It was right before his eyes. He felt himself trembling, tears starting to roll down his cheeks._

**_I refuse to break down in the dirty bathroom of a crowded club._ **

_After attempting to calm himself down and drying his tears, he headed out of the bathroom. He was still trembling, and he felt on the verge of crying again but he would keep himself as calm as he could. He went to Sujoon’s classmates and gave them Sujoon’s things to deliver to him because he needed to leave._

_After that he left the club as fast as he could, and he wandered through the city. It was cold compared to the club. It was a bit windy, and the city’s silence only allowed his thoughts to get louder. He went up to the castle up the hill and looked at the bright lights bellow. He felt the tears he was holding falling and he allowed himself to cry in the loneliness of the night. He was standing by the tiny wall that kept him from falling. He supported his weight in it as much as he could. Almost as if the wall could keep him from crumbling down into nothingness and he didn’t notice the time passing._

_He felt his head starting to ache. His eyes felt like they were burning. His throat felt sore, and he just got up a little and screamed at the emptiness in front of him. He turned around and slid down the wall till he was sitting on the floor._

_He looked up and started laughing. It wasn’t cheerful like usual, it felt bitter on his tongue. He loved and what for? To be used like this? To give all his emotions, to give his body to someone who didn’t care. And he kept laughing till it died down._

_It was quiet again. So, he got up, leaving part of himself behind._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading!   
> What do you think happenend between Hyunjin and Lilith?  
> Also I will return to posting here regurlarly since things calmed down a bit.   
> Stay well, Stay safe and Stay STAY.

**Author's Note:**

> This chapter is a bit short but I hope you like it. I promise the ones that come next will be bigger.


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